Mostly, I blog to keep everyone informed about our family. Let's face it, Mason is the star of this blog, and he should be. He is just so darn adorable. But occasionally, I feel the need to voice the thoughts in my head and this is one of those moments.
It's 12:53am and I am sitting here in bed wide awake. I have a hard time falling asleep, and it doesn't help if I have something on my mind. Adam, on the other hand, can fall asleep in 30 seconds flat, trust me, I've timed him. Anyway, just recently I was reading
Kelly Sherill's recent post and every time she is brutally honest about her thoughts and feelings. It doesn't matter how good or hard life seems, she always writes her true emotions. I respect that and find that hard to do at times. But tonight, I am going to try to do just that.
I have always had self esteem issues. There, I said it. Now, I know must girls struggle with this, but I would venture to say that everyone struggles with this in some form, but few really admit their true thoughts or feelings. For some reason, I am willing to share mine with you tonight. I'm not writing this looking for compliments, but in hopes that anyone that reads this blog and is struggling with the same thing will realize they aren't alone.
My self esteem issues go all the way back to my childhood. If you don't know, my mom married young and my biological father, Danny, was 10 years older than my mom. He wasn't a very good man and treated my mom horribly. After 6 years of an unhappy marriage, they divorced and she was left to raise two young girls all by herself. Danny had nothing to do with us and the only help my mom received was from her family.
I was six years old when I met my Dad, Greg. I still remember that day vividly. We met him at the park and we played on the playground all day and fed the ducks at the pond. Afterwards, we went to
Pizza Hut for a late lunch. I knew he was special from the beginning. He treated my mom with love and respect and he wanted to spend time with Christina & I. Two years later, my mom and him were married. Not long after that, we began discussing adoption. I
couldn't wait until my name was legally
Tabaitha Coverston.
The process took a little over a year. We had to go to counseling to make sure that this was what we wanted. The state had to track down Danny, to turn over his legal rights as our father. They never did find him, but after a certain amount of time had passed, it was time for Greg to become legally our father. We dressed up and went down to the courthouse. The Judge asked us if this was indeed what we wanted and then the lawyers filed the paperwork. That weekend we celebrated with our family. Every year, we still celebrate our Adoption Anniversary. It will always hold a special place in my heart.
Why the back story? It is just part of the reason I have self esteem issues. I have this amazing, wonderful father who I adore. He has been there for me and supported me in my hardest times and most importantly, loved me unconditionally. I couldn't ask for anything more. But it still bothers me that Danny has had nothing to do with us all of these years. I don't understand how a man can turn his back on his own kids. Like I said before, he wasn't a good man, but as a parent, I couldn't abandon my children.
I have no earthly desire to meet him. Why would I want to meet a man who never seemed to care for me? The best thing that happened to me, was my father coming into my mom's life. He leaded us as a family and always placed God first in his life. Our family was his second priority. I respect and admire everything about him. People that don't know the whole story, even tell me that we look alike. I can see some physical similarities, but I think we resemble each other more in our personalities.
Even though I have an amazing father, I still have abandonment issues. In the back of my mind, I always feared that my Daddy would leave me, just like Danny did. I know he won't and I talked to him about my fears a few years ago. This is just a root of my issue with self esteem. Notice I wrote "a root" instead of "the root."
God knows everything about us. He made us perfect in His site. How come we can't see that? I have a hard time appreciating the body God has given me. I am so judgemental about everything about my outward appearance. God thinks I am gorgeous, so why don't I feel this way?
Growing up, I wouldn't say that I blossomed until college and I don't mean my chest. In college, instead of gaining the freshman fifteen, I lost about twenty pounds. I was never overweight, but as a teenager, I didn't have a stick figure. I didn't diet to lose the weight, it just came off. My self esteem was higher, but I still obsessed about my looks.
Now that I have had a child, my body is not what it used to be. I eat well, most of the time, I just don't have the energy to run and exercise like I used to. It's hard for me to appreciate my body, when all you hear about or read about are the celebs who just had a baby and immediately look perfect again. I know they have the money to hire a personal trainer, a nanny to watch the baby, and a chef to cook their meals, but it doesn't help someone who wants their old body back and it seems so easy for everyone else.
This isn't a
pity party, this is me expressing what I feel and what I am working on in my life right now. I am trying to attack this now, so that my kids have a high self esteem and don't have the same self image issues that I have. Hopefully, when I have a daughter some day, she won't struggle with these same issues the way I have. So if anyone else is struggling with self image, know that I will be praying for you.
